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Reasons why you attract narcissists

why you attract narcissistsWhat are the reasons why you attract narcissists? Do you ignore your gut instinct telling you to run, but something draws you towards them? Have you ever felt attracted to the bad boy or cannot resist a person who makes you feel good, even though you know that they are not right for you? Feeling not good enough is a reason why many attract those with narcissistic personality disorder. Many ignore the warning signs when they detect that something is not right, so that they can feel loved. Hoping that someone abusive makes you feel better about yourself, will not give you the love you need for yourself, but leave you feeling far worse.

Many who are empathetic or self sacrificers will give everything of themselves in order to get love back, becoming the perfect supply to any narcissist who can hook them into a relationship in order to serve their needs. The more they give, the more they attract narcissistic lovers.

Hoping for a man to make you feel good enough attracts narcissistic men who makes you feel wanted at the beginning. Providing relationship counselling, I see how easy it can be to get drawn into the love bombing at the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, when they make you feel special in order to hook you into a relationship. What appears as falling in love can actually be all the effort that the narcissist goes through in order to seek their supply, when they portray the perfect partner. What I’ve noticed is that the excitement of falling for a narcissist can also represent one’s own fantasies about being in love, rather than seeing them for who they really are. In actual fact, I find that the honeymoon period can cloud the way we see our partner and how we feel in the relationship, sometimes ignoring the red flags and overlooking the real attributes about the partner.

How can we decide if our feelings towards our partner are real or not? Can we really be in a relationship and see it completely differently to how it really is? I have seen how our past can distort the way we see our relationships and get in the way of choosing our partner, when we’re searching for love.

Why you attract narcissistic men

attract narcissistic menEver wonder why you attract narcissistic men. Many times we can choose narcissists because of our past. Often we become attracted to those who we can repeat our past to get the love that we wished we received. Are you attracting abusive or unavailable partners as a way of staying connected to a caregiver who you wanted to love you? Are you choosing partners to get the love you didn’t get as a child? Like many individuals, these patterns are often entrenched, when looking for love. In actual fact, seeking love by attracting those who will hurt you, will not meet those needs or heal the past, but repeat the pattern of abuse or abandonment.

In the hope of feeling loved, the child shuts out feelings of anger or rejection that causes them to feel worthless and unwanted. As adults, they can turn to relationships to feel better about themselves and seek the love they always wanted, so a tempting proposal from a narcissist can seem like a dream come true. The more one feels worthless and unlovable, the more they can easily attract narcissists who show them the attention they’re looking for. While, they can accept abuse as normal and overlook the negative aspects of a narcissistic partner. The more we deny our past wounds, the more they get acted out in our relationships until the emotional pain is resolved in counselling Melbourne.

Narcissist attract

Casual business man having a drink with a woman in a club

Those who felt unloved become attached to narcissists like a magnet. In my clinical experience, those who felt unloved as children can develop fantasies about being loved, to protect them from the pain of not having their emotional needs met. They can recreate similar fantasies in relationships, by seeing things that are not really there, by misreading their partners behavior as love, when in fact it may be controlling or possessive behaviour. Many hold on to relationships to feel loved and escape feelings of worthlessness or loneliness. When people feel badly about themselves, they often look for happiness in a partner in the hope of feeling good enough, often overlooking when things are not right in the relationship. The need to be wanted allows them to seek narcissistic men.

I have seen how many can hold on to the parent who hurt them, by seeking narcissistic partners. They inevitably repeat the pattern of accepting abuse in the hope of feeling loved. By upholding the fantasy of being loved, they deny the narcissistic abuse and relive the pattern of being abused. Many who have Borderline personality disorder  avoid abandonment or fear of being alone by being lured into narcissists.

Many push down the bad feelings towards their partner by focusing on the positive aspects of the person, because acknowledging the reality of mistreatment brings up the fear of abandonment or of being alone. Therefore, they overlook when they are being mistreated, in order to feel loved. Often, confusing love with someone taking ownership of them

How to prevent attracting narcissists

These basic guidelines assist to avoid attracting narcissistic partners:

  • Do not give into the temptation because someone makes you feel wanted.
  • Take the time to get to know the real person in a relationship, rather than getting drawn into the first impression or façade.
  • Find out why their past relationships ended, and see if all their past partner’s were devalued or blamed.
  • Remember  – narcissists can love bomb you or portray the person that you’re looking for in a partner, to win you over. Its not usually their real self, but a cover up. It will not normally last beyond the honeymoon phase.
  • Listen to yourself or gut instinct, rather than feeling enticed or feeling pushed into taking the relationship further.
  • If it does not feel right, do not go along with it.
  • Know your limits or boundaries and stick with them, do not feel pressured into doing something that you do not want to do. You can say ‘NO’
  • A healthy person will respect your boundaries, not violate them.
  • Do not compromise yourself and work on building your own self esteem, rather than looking for a person to feel good enough.
  • Determine what realistic qualities are important for a healthy relationship and choose them in a partner.
  • Look for the warning signs or red flags of narcissism.
narcissists attracting

Anger Counselling

As a couples counselling I have noticed that the way to have a healthy relationship is to mourn the lost love from one’s childhood and not expect the partner to fulfil those needs of unmet love. Otherwise it makes them vulnerable bait for a narcissist to hook into them, and eat them up.Holding on to a fantasy of being in love can blind them from seeing actual abuse, and make them powerless to take charge of their own lives.

Realistic love cannot occur if we’re desperately looking for love. We can find healthy love from building a healthy sense of self, on the inside. When a person takes back control of their own happiness they can feel better within themselves and find a relationship, when meeting their own needs. So, they are not driven by the temptation of charming narcissists who lure them in.

Nancy Carbone offers is a counseling and psychotherapy, as well as Couples Therapy. She works with personality disorders from the Psychoanalytic International Masterson Institute in New York. You can visit her at http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au, http://www.counsellinginperth.com.au/ and Facebook

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