Why is it hard to break up from a narcissist and move on with your life?
How can a narcissist charm you and instantly devalue you? Why do so many get lured into a relationship and cannot break away from a narcissist?
Why is it difficult to end a relationship with a narcissist?
A narcissist will idealise their partner at the start, during the thrill of the chase. They obtain supplies by finding partners who meet their needs. Their partner can fall for their charm, as the narcissist lures them in by pretending to be what they’re looking for, in order to win them over. The person with narcissistic personality disorder becomes what the other wants, a façade. So their partner falls in love with the grandiose false persona, that they portrayed themslves to be, making it hard to end a relationship with a narcissist.
According to James Masterson, the grandiose ‘false self’, masks the ‘real self’ that feels vulnerable. The narcissist maintains relationships by covering up who they really are and meeting the idealised other’s expectations, to get narcissistic supplies from them, in order to regulate their fragile self-esteem.
Once the veil is lifted and the crack appear, the narcissist becomes wounded when their partner does not treat them special by mirroring how important they feel. Therefore narcissists are faced with the emptiness underlying how they really feel. Critical feedback from their spouse can be a blow to their grandiosity, so they instantly get rid of the painful feelings, by projecting it onto their partner. Since they feel inadequate, they turn on their partner as the cause of the problem. They are unable to listen to their partner, deflecting blame and finding fault in them. Their partners then come to question themselves, feeling that things are their fault and taking on the projection, as if there is something wrong with them. After a while, the partner feels worn out and drained, losing themselves, when the narcissist has to win the battle. It becomes hard to leave a relationship with a narcissist, because they convince you that you are the problem.
Falling for the manipulation and lies, makes it hard to break away from the narcissist
After falling victim to narcissistic abuse, the narcissist partner becomes anxious and with depression, so they are usually the one getting counselling, to clear the head. It is astonishing how much the spouse can have their mind completely taken over by the narcissist, losing themselves entirely. Being unable to cope, many are blind sighted by the thought of being loved by them. Many refer the narcissist to anger management counselling as a last attempt to deal with their rage.
Deep down many spouses know that their narcissistic partner is having an affairs or leading a double life, but they deny it. They end up believing their lies and fabricated stories, to avoid facing the reality that the relationship is going nowhere. Falling for the lies and manipulation makes it hard to break away from the relationship with a narcissist.
After falling victim to abuse, many do not want to leave a relationship with the narcissist
Many find it hard to leave a relationship with a narcissist because they are blinded by the hope that they can change their partner or fix them, hoping to get back the person they met, at the love bombing phase. The truth is, this hope is a distorted fantasy, that keeps them from leaving a relationship with a narcissist. After falling victim to narcissistic abuse, many do not want to leave a relationship with the narcissist. It is hard to accept that they were a supply agent for the narcissist, being lured into them at the beginning. Giving up the relationship with a narcissist makes them feel as if they were never loved, and this is hard to come to terms with. Yet, denying the abuse is far worse for them.
It’s hard to let go of a narcissit because of the illusion they created that feeds into your hope to be loved
Many abused partners of narcissists seek individual counselling to rebuild their lives and strengthen their own ‘self’, to become clearer about the direction they need to take. Many are able to work on the part of themselves that depends on a relationship to feel worthy, dealing with the trauma bond so they can move on with their lives, while also letting go of a relationship with the narcissist. Relationship counselling Melbourne entails letting go of the distorted fantasy, facing the reality of the relationship and paying more attention to themselves, rather then blindly trusting the narcissist.
Nancy Carbone is a counsellor and psychotherapist, specialized in dealing with narcissistic personality disorders, trained at the psychoanalytic International Masterson Institute. If you want help letting go of a narcissistic relationships contact Nancy for an appointment. You can sign up on her newsletter for free tips and relationship advice.Back to Blog Home