Counselling for Affairs in Melbourne

Underlying issues that cause affairs

Affairs Counselling in MelbourneMarital affairs can destroy relationships and break up families. The pain caused by the deception and betrayal can leave partners heartbroken. By the time an affair occurs, the relationship is in serious trouble, and couples struggle to repair on their own.

For over a decade I’ve seen countless couples where infidelity and betrayal has occurred. Sometimes it can feel like you’re catering for everyone’s needs, until you feel you’re own needs do not get met and fall out of love, hoping to find someone outside your marriage who can met your needs. No matter how much you loved your partner, you can end up losing yourself for the sake of the marriage or family.
If you’re disloyal to your actual ‘self’, you can lose control over yourself entirely, causing some to look externally to find themselves, again.  Looking outside of yourself by having a marital affair, will not get you closer to understanding yourself.
Affairs can take individuals away from underlying issues within the relationship or within themselves. Being tempted by an enticing encounter can offer them temporary relief. Cheating can assist them to escape uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes cheating reflects unmet needs, unexpressed feelings or anger that were not able to be communicated, but that get acted upon.

Why does infidelity occur so often?

  • After the honeymoon phase is over, the real relationship begins, which can be a disappointing letdown; when the spark or excitement is gone.
  • Affairs can be an attempt to avoid feeling bored, lonely, or empty when the partner is no longer igniting the spark.
  • Many hope their partner will offer them everything they want but then cheat when they realise their ideals cannot be reached.
  • Some avoid expressing their feelings and turn to an affair to satisfy their needs.
  • Others feel their needs are not met within the relationship, since they remain unheard. The desire for their needs to be met can send them into an affair.
  • Infidelity can distract them from facing problems in their marriage.
  • When it’s difficult to raise issues, an emotional affair allows them to confide in another person; in order to relieve them of the anxiety of the marriage.
  • In difficult times, the grass can look greener on the other side of the fence, until you go there. Many think the problems will disappear if you meet someone else, but the  problems usually re-occur until you work on them.
  • Some give up their ‘self’ by pleasing their spouse, creating resentment when  their needs are not met, then act out by having an affair
  • Some have an affair as a form of revenge, to show their hurt feelings.
  • Some avoid confronting the areas that upset them, but act out their anger with an affair.
  • Many are so afraid of abandonment that they stay, even when the relationship has been over for them, so they justify an affair. They sabotage the relationship because they can’t end it.
  • Some let issues slide for so long that the only way they feel they can recover is to move on with an affair, to help them leave the relationship.
  • When there are overwhelming issues and stressors, some give into temptation, because they have lost grip on themselves.
  • Some affairs start off as individuals confiding in each other and supporting each other about the problems in their marriages, until a  strong connection develops and attraction builds. It can be easier to talk to someone uninvolved than open up about hurt feelings to their spouse.

Affairs often happen during difficult moments in the relationship, after a birth of a child, loss of a job or during a mid-life crisis. It can feel deflating when life deals big blows or the marriage doesn’t provide the same comfort, and they desire something that can pick them up. Some feel life and routine take over the marriage, and they feel rejected or not important anymore. Many avoid the pain of how they feel, not wanting to show vulnerability. They escape the pain by acting on an enticing proposal that offers them the attention they are looking for, rather than dealing with these feelings in the marriage.  This may distract them from facing issues and  feelings. However, adultery often creates more problems rather than a healthy solution. Having affairs creates more anxiety in relationships; with the secrecy, mistrust, and betrayal of having a double life.

Counselling for affairsMany come to individual counselling, because they cannot decide what to do about the affair, because they fear breaking up their family when they are faced with that reality. Many come to counselling to recover from an affair because they cannot handle what is going on and need resolution. For those who have been betrayed, not addressing the affair creates more problems in the long run, such as remaining bitter and resentful by being unable to move on with the relationship after the affair.

Mistrust, Jealousy and Infidelity

As the specialist Counselling Service Melbourne offering counselling for infidelity , we know that having mistrust, jealousy, or suspicion can often cause one to become obsessive, such as going through a phone to look for evidence. In some instances, partners can look for things that are not even there, due to paranoia and insecurity. Many who have cheated themselves can project that their partner is cheating, by becoming anxious.

Is your partner cheating or being unfaithful?

  • Is the mistrust or jealousy based on evidence or fear?
  • Does your partner avoid you because they are covering an affair? Does their story not addup or seem overly suspicious?
  • Are there any facts to suggest your partner is unfaithful?
  • Are your insecurities impacting  your relationship, causing you to read into things that are not there, or to become suspicious for no reason?
  • Are they covering the affair and minimising it, so it can continue? If they’re honest, you have a stronger chance of recovering from an affair

How to recover from an affair

Many can ignore the signs of an affair, or put the evidence out of their mind to cope, pretending it does not exist. In these instances, they put up with it, rather than deal with it, so the affair remains unresolved.

  • Blindly taking your partner back after an affair can enable the affair to continue, if the adulterer does not take responsibility and the underlying issues are not resolved.
  • The cheating partner must end the affair entirely in order to work on the marriage, rather than continuing to act out by seeking respite elsewhere.
  • Some cannot let go of the resentment, if the hurt caused is not acknowledged. Once lies have been fabricated to cover up the affair, the relationship is in serious trouble. It is difficult to regain trust, without honesty and taking ownership for what’s happened.
  • Some blame themselves for their cheating spouse, forgiving their partner. By letting them get away with it, the cheating partner does not need to take responsibility for it. Minimising the affair only lets the issues get ignored, covered up, not dealt with.
  • Taking a partner back does not necessarily fix the marital issues, if the couple do not seek therapy. The affair has to be over, to work on the marriage.

Individual counselling for infidelity and affairs

We offer relationship counselling for those affected by an affair and individuals who are having an affair, to deal with the underlying issues.  Living a double life is stressful and can causes people to get to breaking point. Counselling for affairs in Melbourne assists so that they can move forward and work out what to do, by sorting out their life.

The real antidote for a happy relationship comes from getting more in touch with yourself, so you can get your own needs met within your relationship rather than looking elsewhere to fulfil your needs.
Happiness and fulfilment starts with you, not looking externally to feel good about yourself.

Couple Counselling for Affairs in Melbourne

Counselling for Affairs in Melbourne assist couples in manage the intense emotional pain in order to deal with the betrayal.  Often partners become clingy and seek reassurance from the cheating partner, often causing guilt so they stay, which does not work. Couples counselling can assist to understand how things got to this point, so areas can be worked through. While each partner addresses the part that they each contributed towards the situation, by resolving underlying issues,  preventing an affair recurring. An affair can allow couples to be able to work on the areas that were unresolved and develop a stronger relationship together, if they are prepared to work together. Couples therapy builds a stronger foundation for the couples to handle the emotions, resolve the issues, regain trust and repair the wound. Find out how to recover from an affair

As a relationship therapist, Nancy Carbone has a M.Soc Sc (Couns) who specialises in infidelity and mistrust issues. If you want to recover from an affair or deal with betrayal, use the enquiry form or call 0449 861 147  to book an appointment.

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