How to stop making the wrong partner choice?
How to stop making the wrong partner choice? Are your relationships not working out because you seem to choose the wrong partners who hurt you? Have you ever wondered why you end up choosing the wrong choice of partners, who become like the parent that hurt you? We are often attracted to what feels familiar to us, as a form of trauma bonding.
Attracting the wrong choice of partner to met our unmet needs
Are you attracting the wrong kind of partners into your life, as a way of staying attached with an abusive or rejecting parent? Are you attracting these partners to get the love you didn’t receive?
Looking for love by attaching to those who will hurt you, will not meet your needs or fix your past, but repeat your past wounds through mistreatment and abandonment.
Often we seek out the wrong choice of partner because they resemble the parent we wanted to love us, so we get drawn to them like a magnet and want them to love us.
In the desire to be loved, the child shuts out the bad feelings towards the care giver, causing them to feel bad about themselves. So, they find partners in order to feel good about themselves and get the love they always wanted.
These bad feelings remain repressed, yet they distort how we see ourselves and our loved ones. The more we internalise the bad feelings within us, the more we feel bad and worthless deep within ourselves. The more one protected their feelings towards the parent, by defending against abuse or abandonment, the more they deny any abuse in later relationships, by upholding a positive of image of the partner.
Many individuals often escape unwanted feelings as an attempt to feel better, by seeking comfort in familiarity, when they make the wrong partner choice in relationships. When people feel badly about themselves they often look for love to escape their abandonment feelings, in the hope of feeling good enough or wanted in relationships.
Sometimes, we can be unaware of holding on to a caregiver who hurt us, by attracting partners who hurt us in the same way. We can stay attached to the parent by denying the abuse and repeating the pattern of putting up with abusive treatment in the hope of feeling loved.
Holding on to the parent who wounded them, causes them to be attracted to abusive or unavailable partners, in the hope that they can get the love they didn’t receive during their childhood. By seeking out similar partners, they attempt to remain attached to the parent. Therefore, we seek partners who remind us of our parents as an attempt to heal our past.
By idealising the abusive partner, one can deny the abuse, but they repeat the pattern of feeling abused, in the hope to feel loved. The pattern of searching for unmet love can therefore be self-destructive towards an individual. Since, the child’s anger gets turned inwards towards themselves, in order to preserve the phantasy of the good parent or feeling loved. To preserve the feeling of being loved they see abusive parent as good and they internalized that they are bad, believing that there was something wrong with them for how they were treated as child.
How to avoid attracting the wrong partner in your life
Similar to being a child, splitting can cause one to overlook the bad aspects toward the partner by only seeing the good aspects in them, while they feel bad about themselves. As a result they deny any abuse or mistreatment because they want to see the positive aspects of that person, to get the love that they hope for. It can cause them to stay in unhealthy relationships, including those with narcissistic personality disorder, and not protect themselves, just so that they can feel loved.
Often, they ignore the warning signs that something is not right with the person, just to feel good or wanted in the moment. By splitting, they deny the bad aspects of someone and maintain the negative feelings deep inside, so they continue to be destructive towards themselves by internalising that they are bad, while seeing others are good. But, it leaves them not seeing their relationships clearly and feeling worse about themselves.
Providing relationship counselling, I see how many individuals can hold on to the parent who mistreated them, by seeking abusive or unavailable partners. One can deny the abuse by maintaining a positive image of them, by the repeating the pattern of feeling abused, in the hope of feeling loved. The only way to have healthy relationships is to let go of the past internal parent, by morning the loss of unmet love and moving on. Holding on to the hopeful fantasy of a partner fulfilling your unmet needs will keep you trapped in your past, and work against a healthy sense of self and having a healthy relationship.
Many can find themselves in relationships with narcissists or those with borderline personality disorder. Find out more here.
Nancy Carbone provides counselling in Melbourne. She specializes in the relationship trauma and attachment. You can visit her at http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/, Facebook and Twitter, http://www.counsellinginperth.com.au/ .
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