Are you sabotaging relationships by blaming others for how you feel?

Are you sabotaging relationships by making your partner responsible for feeling bad about yourself, when these feelings get triggered? How to prevent sabotaging relationships by blaming others for how you feel?

If you feel your partner makes you feel unworthy or abandoned, then it is likely that you feel bad feelings towards them, for making you feel this way. John Gottman found that couples who speak to each other in a harsh way would lead to marriage failure.

In relationship counselling, I see many  scenarios where individuals feel that they’ve been wrongly accused for treating their partner a particular way. They feel their partner see’s them the wrong way and so they defend themselves. The more that couples project their feelings onto each other, the relationship falls apart from defensive patterns of interaction, caused by defending against intolerable feelings and accusing each other for causing them to feel this way.  These partners will blame each other and accuse each other for how they feel, because it relieves them of the painful feelings that get provoked by each other.

 So, how do you know if you’re seeing your relationship clearly or blaming your partner for how you feel? Are the feelings so intolerable that you need to react to get rid of them, for instance sending angry texts or breaking up all of sudden, without thinking it through? Or, is your partner behaving in ways that warrant you to be really concerned (affairs, lies, abuse)? Are your feelings disproportionate to the real situation? If there is no real evidence to warrant your feelings, you could be splitting or projecting. Sometimes it can be both.

When splitting, individuals can feel completely in love and then moments later feel unloved or angry towards their partner. One minute a person might feel good about themselves and the next minute they might feel unworthy or unlovable, when the partner priorities their friends over the relationship.

A fragmental sense of self is when the individual only sees all the good qualities and not the bad, or sees all the bad and not the good qualities

Splitting occurs when others are perceived as either all good or bad. The abusive boyfriend is seen as charming (good), by ignoring the warning signs (bad) that something is not right.

Splitting also occurs when a person perceives themselves as either all good or all bad. A person with a borderline personality disorder may feel bad about themselves and a person who is narcissistic can feel overly good about themselves. Both the good or bad split positions are not accurate and distort the way individuals see themselves and others. Hence, they affect the way they relate to their partner, when the actions of others are  misinterpreted through the lenses that they wear to see the world. These lenses protect one from feeling the pain buried deep within, to shield them from unwanted feelings, caused by childhood abandonment, neglect, misattunement etc.

A borderline person may have internalised that they were bad ( unlovable or wanted), when they were abandoned, where as, they were loved and felt good when they complied. A narcissistic personality disorder person came to believe they were perfect and could do no wrong, when they were idealised by the parent, yet they were criticised and felt inadequate when they did not meet the parents expectations, leaving them to feel bad.

A person who does not call straight after a date might be perceived as rejecting, when in fact this might not be the case. Splitting prevents a person from seeing the real situation and distorts the way they perceive themselves and others.

Are you sabotaging your relationship by blaming your partner for your feelings

Are you sabotaging your relationship by accusing your partner for causing you to feel unwanted, unworthy or bad about yourself? The more one displaces past wounds or feelings onto others, they repeat the pattern of feeling bad. It is harder to acknowledge where these feelings come from because they are so painful and therefore become defended against, by discharging these feelings onto others, so that one feels good momentarily, to protect against feeling worthless, unwanted or inadequate.

Usually, an event will trigger feelings that get projected because they are too overwhelming. One minute you love someone and then something happens that reminds you of the bad things that you’ve put up with but had ignored. You want to leave the relationship until they’re gone, and then you want them back, because you miss all the good aspects that you’ve forgotten about. When you take them back, you’re reminded of the things you didn’t like about them. Splitting and projection can sabotage relationships.

Target the underlying feelings and prevent sabotaging relationships

 The way to overcome these underlying feelings is to work through them in Counselling Melbourne to prevent sabotaging relationships, so one can engage in healthier ways of relating and adopt a healthier sense of self. Once you see yourself and others clearly, all aspects of life improves. When a person can let go of negative feelings, they can be free to be themselves.

Couples therapy can also assist partners to deal with underlying feelings that become triggered, so they can relate in a more attuned way to each other, rather than misinterpreting each other to protect themselves from triggering emotions. By dealing with underlying feelings, couples can respond to each others attachment needs, instead of staying stuck in defensive patterns of interaction.

As a relationship therapist, Nancy Carbone has MSoc Sc (Couns). If you want to stop sabotaging your relationships contact Nancy on the Enquiry form for an appointment. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and advice on relationships.

For more information visit https://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/, Facebook and Twitter .