How To Have Real Love and Stop Destroying Your Marriage

Find out how to stop destroying your marriage by hoping that your partner makes up for your unmet needs of love.

When we’ve felt unloved, having a romantic fantasy about love can actually blind us from having a real relationship.

Holding onto the fantasy about finding a mythical soul mate can actually keep us stuck in a fairy tale.

In fact, the more we hold onto the hope that someone perfect will meet all our unmet needs and love us the way we want, we can set ourselves up for disillusionment.

When the partner does not fit this hopeful fantasy, the partner can be seen as the problem, which can actually destroy the relationship.

The myth is that changing your partner to fit your ideal fantasy  will meet all your needs – This is wrong and will destroy your marriage.

When your partner does not fit this mythical fantasy, then trying to change your partner, so they can fit the fairy tale person that you longed for, will actually kill your relationship.

When your partner does not fit your hopeful fantasy or meet your unmet needs of love, you can be faced with feeling unlovable.  So it becomes easy to want your partner to change, in the hope they can meet these needs, so you feel better about yourself.

In fact, the more we focus on our partner in order to make us feel better about ourselves, the more we do not learn how to truly love our self.

By projecting our unmet needs on to our partner, we can make them responsible for our feelings, instead of addressing these feelings within ourselves in relationship counselling.

The biggest mistake that can destroy a marriage is holding your partner responsible for how you feel.  It will cause you to feel disappointed.

In fact, it can leave your partner feeling not good enough because nothing they do can make you happy, causing them to feel dissatisfied in the marriage, when they feel blamed for how you feel.   

Here’s how you can sabotage your relationship, based on the fantasy of getting your needs met from your partner.

Common behaviours that can ruin your marriage

Being all things to your partner and not yourself

You please your partner but cannot be there for yourself. The more you give to others, the less you have for yourself.

You mistakenly think that you will be loved and not abandoned if you meet everyone else’s needs, but end up feeling unloved when your actual needs do not get met.

The truth is, that hoping for someone to meet your needs has stopped you from meeting your own needs.

 Changing your partner or fixing them

We are only responsible for ourselves, not changing others behaviour.

In fact, all we can do is control our own behaviour, our boundaries, set limits or negotiate ourselves in our relationship.

Attempting to change others causes them to feel controlled, and they resist you.

Rather than attacking your partner for what they are doing wrong,  you can express yourself and own your feelings. You can transform how you feel when you are heard, by encouraging an attuned response from your partner, instead of having a defensive reaction.

Making your partner responsible for your feelings

You blame your partner for how you feel, expecting them to make up for it.

Often these feelings are deep within ourselves and get triggered by the partner.

If we feel rejected or abandoned because our partner forgot to return our call, then we may need to look at why we feel not good within and need others to feel good.

The exception is when you are in an abusive relationship, then your partner is impacting how you feel.

Expecting your partner to meet all your needs.

Your partner will not feel like they can be themselves if they feel responsible for all your needs. It can push them away from being open to loving you in a real way, when they find other ways to be themselves.

You blame your partner 

When your spouse does not fulfill your needs of unmet love, you can hold them responsible for how you feel, by blaming them and finding fault in them.

Your partner becomes “the problem”, which pushes them away. He’s told that there is something wrong with him and that he needs to be fixed, when you actually feel not good enough and alone.

Mind Reading – Expecting your partner to read your mind and understand your feelings

Do you hope that your partner will automatically know how you feel. The truth is no one can read your mind or know exactly how you feel.

Many mistakenly feel that if their partner loves them, they will automatically know how they feel and will give them what they need, without communicating their needs.

Putting your view on others or giving unwanted advice.

It may be that your partner just wants to talk and not have their problems solved by you.  Often your way of doing things may not be the same for them.

How to have real love and stop sabotaging your relationship?

These common behaviours can damage your marriage, based on relying on your relationships for your happiness or self-esteem.

The antidote for happiness in your marriage and having real love stems from having love within yourself.

When you can address your feelings, you do not turn to your partner to become the sole source of need fulfilment. This means you stop focusing on them as the cause of your unhappiness. Surprising, this can positively impact your partner when they do not feel like the problem that has to be fixed or changed.

When you love yourself, you work on the areas that cause you to feel not worthy, so you can make yourself a priority in your relationship and get the real love you truly deserve.

If you do not consider yourself, then how are others meant to consider you? 

When you put yourself last, then so do others.

Having a healthy sense of self means you know how you would like to be treated, while be able to make a stand for yourself and negotiate your needs. Being able to make stand for yourself, makes a stand for a healthy relationship.

Letting others know your boundaries or limits by being assertive and expressing when something upsets you, means you are taking better care of yourself.

You are more likely to be respected in your relationship if you honour yourself. While, increasing the chances of being heard and received by your partner, so that your healthy needs get met.

By truly loving yourself, you can obtain real love in your marriage, without relying on the fairy tale.

For more details visit Marriage counselling or Couples Counselling  and visit Counselling Melbourne on  Facebook 

For enquires  regarding couples therapy contact Nancy Carbone at Counselling Service Melbourne on 0449 861 147, use the enquiry form or sign up on her newsletter for free advice and tips

All content is copyright Nancy Carbone 2017