Are you sabotaging love?

Are you sabotaging love? Have you ever wondered why you are not getting the love you want? Could you be accidentally sabotaging falling in love? Are you feeling exhausted from the effort of searching for your soul mate, but seem to feel alone or rejected all the time? Have you ever wondered why things do not work out when dating? Are your relationships not working out? Do you start to wonder if there is something wrong with you? Perhaps there is nothing wrong with you, but maybe the way you attempt to seek love could push love away.

Are you accidently pushing love away?

Could you be accidentally sabotaging love in your life? So, how does one push love away? At couples counselling Melbourne find out how to overcome the barriers to intimacy

Have you ever noticed how desperately wanting something can result in the opposite? In love, the more we want something, the more it does not seem to happen naturally. In fact, I have noticed that the more we seek love, the more unloved one can feel. You cannot make someone love you, pressure them,  force them into a relationship or commitment; otherwise they will feel the decision has been imposed upon them and they will resist the relationship. This can feel like subtle hints on a first date, such as talking about commitment or meeting the family, which can make the other person feel some kind of pressure to give you what you need, when they have not gotten to know you well enough to make up their own mind. They may not answer your calls, distance themselves or be put off. Everyone wants choice and the space to get to know someone, without feeling the connection is forced.

You might feel it is unfair; you are a great catch to any potential partner. You are very considerate of the needs of others and put everyone else first. So, why does no one ever put you first? Somehow you end up looking after the needs of others and not yourself. You end up revolving your whole life around your partner, and they still reject you or mistreat you, not considering your needs. You end up losing yourself to the relationship and wonder why they do not give you the same love back.

You cannot feel loved if you’re putting yourself last. You cannot expect others to give you what you are not giving to yourself. We cannot put all our hopes into someone else giving us what we need to do for ourselves. If we are not giving to our self first, then no one else will.

Many are blinded by wanting love so desperately that they will put the relationship ahead of themselves, which does not encourage a person to respect you. If you give up on aspects of yourself, or the things that make you happy, then your needs will not get met and the partner will not get to know the real you. Chasing a person does not allow them to get to pursue you. If you’re putting all your effort into pleasing someone or meeting their needs, then you are not being yourself.  Giving up who we are makes us feel unfilled and empty, and we cannot expect someone else to give us what we can’t give to ourselves. When we invest in others and not ourselves, the relationship does not have a solid foundation. We fall in love with the person they are, and they cannot fall in love with us, if we are so focused on them, and not being true to ourselves.

How to stop pushing love away

Not accepting yourself, as good enough, and relying on someone else to make you feel good enough, pushes love away and does not allow others to be attracted to you as a person. Instead, accommodating them means that you’re not meeting your own needs. You need to love who you are, before anyone can really love you and have deeper intimacy. Often many are not kind to themselves and let others mistreat them, in the hope of feeling loved. The outcome can create the feeling of not having love reciprocated, when ones own needs are not met. Meeting the needs of someone else only creates distance and resentment in a relationship, when you feel you’re not getting  yours met.  It is only when you accept yourself as good enough, that you can give real love to others and have the love reciprocated. Real love does not come from sacrificing your self or giving up the person you are.

In fact, we can only meet our own needs and determine how we feel about ourselves, not rely on others to feel worthy. No one else can change the way you feel about yourself.

The truth is that you are not accepting yourself as good enough, if you are not good to yourself.  Feeling in love does not occur when selecting partners out of a fear of being alone or need to be wanted. You cannot be happy by hoping that a partner makes you feel good about yourself. They should enhance the real you, rather than settling for how they treat you. If you accept yourself as good enough, the chances are, you will find the person who will respect your needs and fit in with you. If you can obtain your own needs and be yourself, than you will have a better chance of attracting someone who fits in with you, rather than choosing to settle for relationships because you feel  unworthy or scared of being alone. When you define your needs, you can go for what you need and not settle for a loveless marriage.

A healthy sense of self creates a solid foundation for a relationship, so one can negotiate their own needs and work through all kind of relationship challenges, in order to create a strong foundation for real love, whereas actively searching for love in the wrong way can make us vulnerable and sabotage falling in love. Marriage counselling Melbourne allows each partner to fulfil their own self and meet their own needs, so that they do not rely on each other for the things that the other person can not give them.

As a relationship therapist Nancy Carbone has a M Soc Sc (Couns) at Counselling Service Melbourne.  If you want to stop sabotaging your love life contact Nancy on the enquiry form or call 0449 861147 for an appointment. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and relationship advice. 

For further information visit Counselling Melbourne, follow us on Facebook and Twitter.