Why relationship co-dependency is destructive?                                                                              

Many individuals seek counselling in Melbourne for relationship co-dependency issues since they cannot cope on their own without a relationship, so they often do anything to stay in the relationship, such as avoid expressing their own needs, avoiding conflict  or  unable to leave toxic relationships.

The price of depending on a relationships means that they can make the relationship the centre of their universe when it stops them focusing on their own lives. The things they do for love actually works against them progressing their own life. They are not  equipped at taking care of themselves, because their primary focus is seeking love, no matter what they sacrifice for it. They often  stay if the relationship is destructive or abusive to them.

In co-dependency relationship counselling Melbourne, the relationship dependent person seeks a partner who is loving, attentive, care giving or rewarding in some way. Those who are relationship dependent feel loved and good in a relationship, because they can escape  feelings of worthlessness and fears of being alone.   But they may forget to  express themselves, because they do not want to upset their partner . Instead of asserting their needs, they act out their anger when their needs are not met.  They can switch to becoming nasty,  spiteful, malicious, or even vindictive without realizing it. So this loving unit switches to the aggressive unit. So, their spouse feels attacked or accused of things, so they feel push away.  The relationship dependent spouse becomes angry, feeling their partner does not care about their needs. They can easily become bitter that they evolved their entire life around their partner, by making them happy or sacrificing themselves and get’s nothing back. Meanwhile, they have given up aspects of their own life and end up resentful and blame the relationship for it.

Being so consumed in being loved, by clinging onto relationships, the relationship dependent spouse gives up on their self. So they fall behind in study, money, work or career, because they are so pre-occupied with their relationships. They may even ignore attending to their children’s  need or academic needs. They often feel they are not progressing forwards but backwards, so look for a partner to rescue them. Their inability to look after themselves constantly leads them to rely on their relationships, which further diminishes their capacity to take care of themselves.

Co-dependency in relationships

Those with co-dependency  issues, seek counselling for their relationship or marriage. They can also appear as a self sacrifice or masochistic partner, they are sometimes diagnosed as having a borderline personality disorder.  Borderline personality disorder individuals feel easily abandoned, alone, unwanted and worthless, when their partner separates or  focuses on their own life. They depend on being in a relationship to feel good about themselves. Often their partner’s gets drained from having to be the entire source of needs fulfilment for them. Suddenly their partner becomes not so loving or giving anymore, because the relationship requires too much from them, feeling their partner is needy, clingy or co-dependent.  All of a sudden the borderline individual  projects their partner to become the withdrawing partner who does not care about them and is not attentive anymore. So they can split off from all loving to all hating,  when they will oscillate between feeling loved or angry at the partner. For the borderline personality individual, their angry reaction defends against the abandonment feelings and discharges the anger onto the partner, driving them further away. So the borderline disorder individual  complains that their partner is not there for them. The fear of abandonment pushes the relationships to end, so it becomes self perpetuating that they end up alone, again.

Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder

So fearful of abandonment, the borderline  struggles with feelings of worthlessness when they are single. To avoid  being alone,  they become  sexually promiscuous, they can become clingy and need constant reassurance, or they hold onto the first person who gives them attention because they do not believe they deserve better. They do not always make a partner choice based on what they need, it is  about  having someone there to escape the loneliness and feel wanted, so they do not feel unworthy of love. So desperate to be loved, they often encounter partners who are abusive.  The Borderline or relationship dependent individuals seek partners to function for them, because they are not always responsible for themselves.  The kinds of relationships that they attract  keeps them stuck, leaving them dependent and helpless to take care of their own needs.

Unable to be alone, feeling worthless without love

Nancy Carbone offers couples therapy for these individuals who suffer breakdown in their relationships due to impairments in their self.  As a counsellor, Nancy is specialised in treating individuals with borderline personality behaviours and offers relationship dependency counselling Melbourne.

As a relationship therapist Nancy Carbone has a M Soc Sc (Couns) at Counselling Service Melbourne.  If you want to overcome co-dependency issues in your relationship contact Nancy for an appointment. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and relationship advice. 

If you would like an appointment call 0449 861 147 or use the enquiry form

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