Rediscover love in your relationship.
- Are you feeling unloved or alone in your relationship? Do you want to rediscover love in your relationship?
- Are you or your partner distancing in the relationship or have a fear of intimacy?
- Do you or your partner not know how to express your feelings?
- Do you feel love but cannot say how you are feeling?
- Does your partner pull away when you try to get close or connect?
- Are you scared that sharing your feelings will be not noticed.
- Is it easier to withdraw from your feelings love and desire, in case your needs do not get met?
Do you struggle to rediscover love in your relationship?
Are you struggling to rediscover the love in your relationship? Many relationships struggle to find a loving connection. From our past experiences, many felt rejected when emotional needs were not met. This can create a fear of not getting our emotional needs met by our loved ones. According to John Bowlby, when emotional needs get no response, the child will cry to elicit a caregiving response. If the parent does not meet their needs, the child will feel despair and then shut down their attachment system, by not expressing their emotional needs. The child turns inwards to meet their own needs, not needing the
parent. These children seem like they are fine, but have become emotionally detached and shut down. This same dynamic is replayed in the couples relationship. Whereby, partners avoid getting close to avoid taking the risk of showing their emotional needs and fear of being dismissed for them.
The risk of getting close can be so scary, that the individual distances their needs away from their partner. By not expressing what they need emotionally, many give the opposite impression of what they actually need, appearing as if they do not need their partner. They give the wrong signals about their attachment needs. So, they can appear happy but hide that they feel alone and want a connection. Their partner then misreads their cues, and misunderstands them, therefore not meeting their emotional needs. It becomes hard for these relationships to find the love, by overcoming these patterns on their own. Couples therapy to helps to rediscover the love and connection in your relationship.
A woman might feel rejected when her partner is busy working long hours, she hides her needs by not telling him how she feels, but focuses on the fact that he works too much and wants him to work less. She miscues him, but not telling him about her emotional needs for connection. He misreads her behaviours and perceives her as too controlling him, rather than understanding her needs for emotional connection. She then feels more alone and rejected when her partner attacks her or tells her off. Avoiding her actual feelings, by acting as if she does not need her partner emotionally, causes him to ignore her needs for attachment. Instead of finding ways to draw him closer, she pushes him further away from understanding her emotional needs. This perpetuates her belief that he is emotionally unavailable for her, and rejects her, so she shutting down further, turning away from her husband by detaching. In the depths of total despair and isolation, she turns her needs further away from her husband, by turning away from the love object and withdrawing her love from him. So, she finds safer ways to meet her own needs. For instance, she may be caught up in fantasying about other relationships, in her head. She may even feel safer for her to have an affair with a stranger, who she does not need, who cannot get too close to hurt her. So, she turns her desire for love away from her marriage to get her needs met. The danger is when they cut off too far. Often an affair becomes fantasy or escape from the feelings of being alone, offering the temporary feeling of connection, where one does not have to take the risk of expressing emotional needs and risk being rejected for them. An affair only creates an illusionary safe haven for them, so they do not feel totally alone. These individuals are so fearful to capture the love they crave in relationships, so they distance themselves from it, scared it will disappear and leave them to face the despair of total aloneness.
Recapture love desire in your relationship.
The withdrawing partner feels safer expressing feelings and needs for connection, while overcoming the fear of not getting those needs met. Once the emotional needs are met with an attuned and loving response, you can rediscover the love in your relationship. Hence the couples overcomes communication breakdown. Counselling in Melbourne allows individuals to get in touch with their real desires and needs for connection, so they can be expressed in a way that gets met, so they can get real love from their relationships. Relationship counselling can foster intimate and loving relationships, improving closeness and deeper connections with one’s spouse. Find out how you can rediscover the love in your relationship.
Nancy Carbone is relationship psychotherapist. She specialises in working with underlying relationship disturbances. You can follow her at http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/, Facebook and Twitter, LinkedIn, http://www.counsellinginperth.com.au/ .
For enquires for counselling call 0449 861 147 or use the enquiry form.Back to Blog Home