Are you pushing love away?

 Are you pushing love away without realising it? What do you think is the real reason love does not work out? You would be surprised to hear the reason that love does not work out. Providing couples counselling to thousands of couples, I see how easily it is to sabotage the very thing we want, love. This often occurs outside of our awareness.

You might find that you want love so badly, yet you constantly find the person of your dreams feeling not ready for a relationship. You wonder if you came across too strong. Did you pre-empt a relationship before they were ready? Did you put everything into the relationship in the hopes of making them want you, and they didn’t get to know the real you? Perhaps you were selecting unavailable partners in the hope you could get them to love you. Chasing a relationship will not lead to real love. You know this, but somehow you can’t stop yourself. Why?

If you do not feel good about yourself you may be pushing love away without realising it. Find out how you could be pushing love away and what to do about it.

If, without realising it, you think that there is something wrong with you, you may look for love as a way to feel better about yourself and heal that dreaded feeling of being unwanted or alone. Finding love to heal your past, usually pushes real love away and prevents you from feeling good about yourself.

No one can change how you feel about yourself or make you feel good about yourself. You will not attract real love, if you do not feel good enough on the inside. You may not know this, but this could be the reason you may push love away. So, what do you do?

How you push love away?

Often people want love so badly, to feel good enough, that they put the relationship first, making themselves less than good enough or settling for less.  Once you are willing to put your needs last, you’re setting a precedent for the rest of the relationship. If you do not consider yourself as good enough, and rely on a relationship to feel better about yourself, you will not feel good enough and feel unloved. If you invest in others and not yourself, you feel unfulfilled when your needs do not get met.

You shouldn’t have to work so hard in love, but rather be your real self. If you accept yourself as good enough, a person will be more attracted to the real you without you having to put all the effort in or chase them away. If a person is unsure about the relationship, let them work it out for themselves; if they want it, they will come back.  You do not have to prove your worth if you feel worthy. A relationship can only develop if they want you, if they take the time to make up their own mind.

If you want love so badly to feel good enough, you might compromise yourself  in relationships, further causing you to feel unworthy when your needs are not met. If you put yourself last because  you feel unworthy, you will feel unworthy in your relationship, not matter what. No matter how much someone tells you they love you, if you do not have self-love, then you will feel unwanted or unloved, not matter what they say or do.

How to avoid pushing love away?

If a person wants more love or affection in order to feel good enough, it can actually push love away. At couples therapy Melbourne,  the reason men pull away is  because they feel the relationship is forced. A loving connection is formed from feeling a natural desire to be with that person because you are attracted to their personality or qualities.

It’s a good idea to stop searching for the person of your dreams to feel better about yourself, and learn how to feel good about yourself, so you are worthy of real love. Self-love is the precursor to attracting love in your life.

Letting a person know who you are and allowing the relationship to develop can take time. Yet, often the fear of losing that person can push them away and prevent the natural flow of the relationship from flourishing

Nancy Carbone is a relationship therapist with a M Soc Sc (Couns). If you find yourself pushing love away, you can contact her on the enquiry form. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and advice on relationships.

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