Improve your marriage by dealing with your past.

Improve your marriage by dealing with your past. Our childhood shapes our marriage. Is it really true that our past childhood predicts our choice of partner? Discover how our childhood relationships shape how we feel and relate to our partner in the marriage. Individuals who feel bad about themselves have ‘internalised’ that they are ‘not good enough, from their earliest childhood experiences. Situations of neglect or emotional deprivation  can  leave individuals feeling unwanted or a burden. To protect the parents ones, they internalize these bad feelings  as existing in them. Anger towards past caregivers turns inward and becomes directed towards themselves. So, they end up feeling bad about themselves, with self-loathing,  self-hatred and beat themselves up.

When there is too much bad experiences encountered, they cannot manage it and have to project it outside, so the outside world is seen to be bad and mistreats them, mistrusting others. Often, individuals fear relationships, expecting partners to reject them or hurt them, reading into things that are not even there. In couples, they often misread the actions of each other, until they see a relationship counsellor

improve your marriage

Resolve the past,  from determining your partner choice in relationships.

Our childhood relationships forms the templates of how we see ourselves and others.  John Bowlby describes these as’ internal working models’ which lay the foundation for the ‘self’ and ‘other’ representations. It forms our view of our ‘self’ and ‘others’. Many feel not good enough within themselves and do not trust others to be available to them, affecting their relationships. In their views about their ‘self’’ , they can feel worthless and see things negatively that happen to them. In their views of ‘others’,  they can see others as uncaring, unloving or mean. They do not see how these templates for seeing themselves and others distort reality. So, they misinterpret the actions of their partner, reliving their earliest pain. Many attend anger management counselling when they react aggressively towards loved ones.

Providing marriage guidance counselling  and relationships counsellor, Nancy Carbone sees how these internalised representations  are unconscious and distort how they see themselves and see others. The may presume their partner is being judgmental, when they are not. They may also distort how they think others see them. Often these feelings are within them, and are difficult to manage, so they project them out, thinking the outside world does not like them, instead of owning that they don’t like themselves, disavowing feelings of self-hatred. Often, our partner may trigger feelings within us, yet  we blame our partner for making us feel a particular way.

Improve your relationship

Relationship counselling allows individuals to dismantle these relationship patterns. So, they do not allow the past to be re-lived in their present relationships. Someone who has abandonment issues may be possessive his partner, to avoid abandonment. Someone who feels unsafe in relationships may  avoid getting close.

A counselling in Melbourne overcomes these distortions, so they  do not take over the relationship.   A Relationships Counselor allows individuals to see themselves and others more accurately and relate in a more attuned way, rather than misunderstanding each other.

As a relationship therapist Nancy Carbone has a M Soc Sc (Couns) at Counselling Service Melbourne.  If you want to improve your marriage contact Nancy on the enquiry form or call 0449 861147 for an appointment. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and relationship advice

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