How to prevent marriage breakdown?

How to prevent marriage breakdown? When marital issues arise, it provides an opportunity to work on nsive patterns with marriage guidance counselling.  Many couples issues because they feel they can sort issues out themselves. Our human blinds spots get in the way of us seeing our behavior. Our behavior remains out of our awareness, so we do not see the role we play. The ways that couples cope interferes with dealing with the issues, on their own. These self-protections alleviate pain, but work against  their relationship. It is vital for couples to see how they each contribute towards their dynamic, to see how they get stuck, so they can move forward as a married couple.

   What causes marriage breakdown?

Repressing yourself to avoid conflict

Marriage breakdown occurs when they minimize conflict or please their spouse, until they become resentful for what they’ve missed out on.

Bringing up issues when its too late – reacting or nagging

Many avoid raising issues until the problems get worse. So they raise issues  while upset, and comes out the wrong way.

Not participating in the relationship or taking responsibility

Many spouses seek a marriage counselor when they feel their needs have not been met and act out with resistance by not participating in house hold chores, not contributing, while others withdraw and distance.

Not being clear about communicating ones needs, hoping others read their mind 

Marital tension can occur from partners not being clear in expressing what they need, so their needs do not get met and resentment builds. Couples who do not pay attention to their ‘self’,  ignore their needs, so their needs get dismissed by their partner. Many hope their partner will know what they need or how they feel, without telling them. Many make the common assumption: “If he loves me, he will  know what I need”.

Blaming  – pointing the finger to the other for the problems or fault finding

Accusing their spouse by pointing the finger at them for the cause of the problems. Externalizing blame onto their partner, as the cause of the problem, keeps the problems stuck

Protest, despair and shutting down

John Bowlby’s describes the stages of infant detachment, which applies to couples. At times, when a partner’s needs are not responded to, it causes them to protest, as a desperate need to get heard, to  provoke a response in their partner, this can be seen as being critical to force the issue. When one remains ignored, the next stage is depression or despair, if one’s emotional needs are still not ignored. The last phase is detachment.  When couples move from protest, despair to detachment, they give up their needs for each other.

Repressing vulnerable feelings to avoid getting hurt

When couple’s emotional needs are not responded to, some show their hurt by distancing or acting like they do not need each other. Yet  they’re afraid that showing their vulnerable feelings will cause them  to get hurt.

Disengaging from each other’s lives – drifting apart

As couples feel ignored, partners give up noticing each other. Some do not show an interest in each others lives. Married spouses who do not to show love, affection and empathy run the risk of divorce. The marriage requires showing an interest in each other, so partners  can share themselves to stay connected.

Forcing a view to get heard, not listening 

Often spouses feel unheard, so they force their point of view and cannot listen to each other.

Emotional reactions get in the way of seeing each other

Spouses can get drawn into powerfully charged emotional states, they can lose grip of themselves. They can respond in a way that is reactive, without a third party to help the couple to see outside their stuck positions, so they can move forward and overcome communication breakdown.

In distressed couples, partners get caught in their emotions, so they protect themselves by discharging the hurt, often leading their spouse to feel blamed. So their partner does not get to hear the  feelings that are underneath, but counter attacks.  These couples get  caught an emotional storm, that they can lose sight of the situation. They often become unaware of their actions or how they come across.

Making others responsible for our feelings, rather than dealing with our feelings

Many accuse their spouse for how they feel, however, often these feelings are deep within  that get triggered by their partner.  Many feel not good enough if their partner is not giving them attention.

Lack of boundaries or self control

Many spouses  let others take control of their life, by letting others influence them. Some cannot set boundaries with each other, not saying no, giving into things they do not want to do or allowing themselves to be bullied until they back down.

Improve your marriage and prevent breakdown in the marriage?

Improve your marriage and prevent breakdown in your relationship with a counsellor. At  Counselling in Melbourne  couples become unstuck, as they work on marital discord and develop more effective ways of communicating. In couples therapy Melbourne the individual is assisted  to own their part which contributes to the couple’s ways of relating. Partners are able to foster a more cohesive sense of self and become secure in the marriage.

 Marriage counselling Melbourne can assists partners to dismantle defensive ways of interaction, so they can resolve issues and rebuild the relationship.  Once their partners get to understand what underlies their reactions, they can respond to their  feelings and needs. Married couples can  develop a stronger platform to deal with relationship issues.

For many couples, it can feel outside their comfort zones to change these stuck patterns, as they struggle to do so on their own, without the strength of couples therapy to re-align them. From our earliest experiences, we’ve all learnt to protect our feelings, in particular ways. But often these defensive coping patterns get in the way of a real intimate relationship. It is only with the containment of a marriage counsellor, that these stuck positions can be worked on, so that it transforms the relationship.

As a relationship therapist Nancy Carbone has a M Soc Sc (Couns) at Counselling Service Melbourne.  If you want to improve your marriage contact Nancy on the enquiry form or call 0449 861147 for an appointment. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and relationship advice.