Are you in a toxic relationship but think that you’re the problem?
How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? Are you in a toxic relationship and convinced that the problem is you, by taking on board the negative criticisms of a toxic lover. It can be confusing when you are projected to be the problem or told you have all the issues.
Toxic marriages can be deceptive, on the surface they can look perfect. But, often this is because it is easier to shut off from what is really happening, in order to avoid facing what is really going on.
Do you have a partner who acts polite but underneath they have envy and hate towards you? They may be secretly competitive or comparing themselves to you. Do they feel intense pain when you are successful or happy? Many who feel unsatisfied with their life will hide how disappointed they feel when others have success or share good news. Toxic partners feel excruciating pain and cover up by smiling, not say anything or comment on something negative to minimise their disappointment, to protect themselves from the painful hit to their self esteem. It highlights how they’ve not met their own expectations. It seems unfair that others have done better, its a competition or a race to be best.
Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder can feel pleasure when they put down the success of others, by defeating them or making devaluing comments so they can rise above them. So, they do not feel deflated or inadequate, they end up criticising others in order to modulate their fragile self esteem. They inflate their grandiosity to convince others of how good they are.
Toxic people blame everyone else
Toxic people blame others for their mistakes. They avoid the pain staking humiliation of shame induced judgement by distorting the truth and avoid taking responsibility to cover up their mistakes, by finding fault in others, whom they blame for their shortcomings. They lost their job because their boss was threatened by them, their ex partner was the crazy one, they cheated because you never gave them sex when they wanted it, you’re told that you should get over issues and not bring them up. It is always the other persons fault and they’re perfect.
Some were told they could do no wrong and received idealising supplies as a child. They will not take ownership and see the part they play. They will feel injured when issues are raised and turn it back on their partner for attacking them or criticising them. So the partner feels beaten down and gives up, feeling wrong.
You may be falsely convinced that they are always right, but they seek admiration when others need them as the expert for advice. They always know better than anyone else, feeling above others. When they see others as beneath them, they feel special and it takes away the deflating pain of the empty self. These toxic lovers pretend to be Mr right in order to seek admiring supplies, but will discard you or devalue you, when their needs are not a priority. These individuals will convince you that they do not get angry and feel others mistreat them, when they are referred for or anger management counselling
They may even spoil your happiness or success by talking you down or not sharing in the joy or excitement in your success. You are simply there to give them something they need, such as approval, money, sex, love, support. After a date you may not hear from them unless they need something from you. They pretend to be interested in you as long as they’re getting something from you. Sometimes they just want someone to admire them or inflate the ego when it’s deflated. Other times, they stonewall or withdraw to avoid exposure of not being perfect. So, no one discovers who they really are. By feeling ignored, being wrong, or told how to do things their way, you will feel that they are not really interested in you.
The toxic relationship feels empty and vacuous since the toxic person cannot open up about themselves. They pretend things are fine, not revealing any weakness. They feel good by promoting themselves and focusing on themselves, and acquiring others in order to achieve their aims. You cannot rise above them or they will crush you with destructive envy. They have no real empathy but fake empathy to obtain supplies from people. In narcissistic fusion, they will tell people what they want to hear, and mimic what they need, so they can obtain their own objectives. The truth will be revealed when they are unable to be emotionally available for the needs of others. They have no remorse for how they treat people, because they deserve better. When others fail to serve their expectations, they justify cheating or having affairs. Other people are there to give them supplies. Since they feel superior, they openly disapprove others.
Often, these toxic individuals had parents who were envious and criticised or humiliated them, so they were unable shine or show their real self. They had to mirror the parents grandiosity by measuring up to their expectations, by doing what ever the parents wanted and being good at it. They felt like a failure if they didn’t meet their expections or needs. They project their sense of inadequacies onto others, by finding things wrong with others or finding fault in them to protect against these feelings. They are delusional and see everyone through their own projections, distorting the way they see others and relate to them.
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Nancy Carbone is specialized in relationship counselling for at Counselling Melbourne. You can visit her at http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/, Facebook and Twitter, LinkedIn, http://www.counsellinginperth.com.au/ .Back to Blog Home