The Antidote To Get The Love You Deserve

antidote to getting the love you deserve

What stops you from getting the love you want? Why does a relationship feel so good at the start, and then you discover that the relationship was not what you thought? If you look for love outside of yourself, you will never get the love you want. So,  here’s how to find the real antidote to getting the love you deserve.

You might be struggling to fix your love life or looking for ways to get the love you deserve. Perhaps you’ve given up everything for a relationship, only to discover that the other person was not there for you.

I recall a relationship that changed my life. I gave up everything to feel loved. My entire life revolved around this person.  I lost myself, and gave up the things that mattered to me. I then chose myself over love. This was a tough lesson indeed, but I rediscovered my actual self and learned how to not give up myself for love.

If you do not feel good about yourself, have abandonment wounds or unmet love then you can put all your hopes and desires onto a partner in the hope that they can make up for it and give you the love you always wanted.

Sadly this hope can become a blinding fantasy that disappoints you, especially when your abandonment wounds become triggered by your partner, which reinstates all of the hurt you originally felt.

Putting your hopes into someone else to feel good about yourself, often only ends in heartbreak and leaves you feeling empty when you’ve sacrificed your needs to feel loved.

If you do not prioritise yourself, no one else will. If you sacrifice yourself to meet the needs of others, your needs will not get met. These are signs you’ve been holding onto fantasy love.

When you missed out on the love you needed in childhood, you can create a fantasy that someone else will meet these unmet needs, so that you can recapture the love that was needed. In this way,  you can protect yourself from feeling unloved, worthless or rejected. This becomes fantasy love; it’s not real love.  It will only blind you and stop you from getting the love you deserve.

When you project all of your hopes and unmet needs onto a partner, you can end up seeing your relationship as your entire source of need fulfilment, causing you to give up aspects of yourself in order to protect this fantasy of obtaining unmet love.

By negating your actual self, or compromising yourself for love, you end up making the relationship all about them; not you. You can focus on your relationship by pleasing your partner in order to escape the dreaded feeling of not being good enough, while subsequently pushing real love away.

Being true to your self is the key to getting the love you deserve, not pleasing your partner or revolving your whole life around them.

Being your real self is the solution to finding real love

If you don’t feel good about yourself, no one can make you feel good about yourself. In fact the way you feel about yourself causes you to attract the very things that make you feel not good about yourself, especially when you put yourself last in the hope finding the love you want.
If you feel undeserving of love or feel unlovable, then you will most likely accept a partner who doesn’t love you in the right way.
You’ll  feel worse about yourself when you lose everything that represents the real you in order to make someone else happy. You’ll feel worse about yourself when your partner does not prioritise you, when you’ve catered to them. In fact, you’ve let them come first because you put yourself last and did not make yourself a priority in your relationship.
You’ll become dependent on your relationship to pick you up, when you’ve got nothing left in the tank to pick yourself up.
When you’ve sacrificed yourself for love, you end up with nothing left but a broken heart and an empty self when your needs are not met.
When you lose yourself for love, you will most likely feel unloved. Turning to your partner to feel good enough will mean you make them responsible for how you feel, rather than letting them know the real you.
If you fight so hard to get love from others, then you sacrifice your actual ‘self’ and feel unloved when your own needs are not met.

You can find the love you want if you master self love

When you put love above yourself, you will most likely feel unloved and feel rejected when your own needs do not get met. You can build a stronger foundation for your relationship if you prioritise your actual self and not lose sight of who you are and the things that matter to you. You teach others how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.
You can obtain real love if you change the way you feel about yourself and love yourself. If you can make room for your actual self in your relationship, your partner can consider your needs and prioritise  you, unless its a toxic relationship. If you sacrifice yourself for love, in an attempt to get the love you want, you will feel disappointed when your needs do not get met. Real love comes from expressing your real self in your relationship, when you accept yourself as good enough. In this way you can have a relationship that enhances the real you. Learning to love yourself and being your real self is the real antidote to having the relationship you want.

As a relationship therapist, Nancy Carbone has a M.Soc. Sc (Couns). If you want help building a loving relationship, you can visit her website to make an appointment.  You can sign up on her newsletter for free advice and tips

For more relationship articles on rekindling the love in your relationship you can follow Nancy on social media on Facebook and Twitter

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