Are you stuck in hostile and volatile conflict in your relationship?

Are you stuck in hostile and volatile conflict in your relationship? Are you convinced that your partner is to blame for how you feel? Do you blame each other, wanting the other to change how they treat you? Do you constantly feel unworthy, no matter how much you do for them? Do you feel angry that they stopped paying you attention or doing things for you? Do you accuse them of not caring, putting everyone but you first?

Is there a pattern of hostile and volatile conflict by blaming your partner for how you feel?

If you notice a pattern of constant anger towards your partners in each relationship, then perhaps you may be getting rid of feelings of not being good enough that become triggered in the couple relationship. Unless, you’re in an abusive relationship, of course.

Are you stuck in hostile and volatile couples conflict by blaming your partner for how you feel, accusing them for things to feel better about yourself? Learn to defuse blame in hostile and volatile couples and become understood for how you feel.

 It may feel safer to protect yourself by finding fault in your partner for causing you to feel this way; after all, you were fine before you had a fight.  By displacing your feelings onto your partner, you can momentarily feel better by ridding yourself of these underlying feelings. By accusing them of treating you this way, you can prevent yourself from feeling unwanted, rejected or unworthy by accusing your partner of treating you this way, forgetting where these feelings came from. 

Instead of acknowledging that these feelings are being triggered in you, you blame your partner for causing you to feel this way.

All of a sudden your partner becomes the person who hurts you as a way to escape these feelings of self-hatred. The more we project our feelings outside of ourselves, the more we continue to feel this way, eventually, all our partners will become the person who is at fault for the way we’re feeling.

In fact, conversations with your partner can trigger these disowned feelings within you, so you feel that they’ve caused you to feel this way. You may even tell them that other men pay you attention to remind them that other men may want you. You may provoke them to test them to see if they care or are still interested in you. By protesting for attention, you could come across as if you think your partner is not good enough, comparing them to others or finding fault in them for the things they do wrong, so they defend and attack you back to avoid feeling that way. In turn this can cause your partner to feel blamed and wrongly accused of things, so they defend in ways to prove you’re wrong, rather than understand how you feel. This actually prevents them from coming closer and responding to your feelings. This propels the partner to become defensive, further triggering those wounds and re-instating that dreaded feeling of worthlessness that causes you to feel bad about yourself. So, you feel the need to continue projecting your feelings by blaming your partner for how you feel in order to escape the pain. Couples become stuck in destructive patterns of interaction.

Hostile and volatile conflict in couples is caused when partners are stuck in projected cycles of interaction, by disavowing bad feelings within themselves and projecting them onto the other person, to avoid feeling this way. Couples have no way to manage these intense feelings on their own, and continue to hurt each other to feel better.

How to defuse blame in hostile and volatile couples?

Typical examples of when couples project is when they get stuck in the blame game, pointing the finger to the other person who is at fault, wanting the other person to change. Typically, couples will say ” you always”, or “you never” and accuse them of stuff because they feel a certain way. These couples do not reflect on their feelings or recognize them within themselves, but are quick to defend against them, in counter-attacking ways.  Couples Counselling transforms blame into understanding what the other person evokes in you and how they affect you, so you can increase moment of understanding from each other, while defusing defensive reactions.

Couples counselling in Melbourne can assist in expressing the underlying feelings, so that each person does not project their feelings onto each other, but instead work to understand each other. This transforms conflict into moments of connection, when couples can respond to each other’s feelings.

Couples cannot see outside their lenses of how they see their partner without the assistance of a couples therapist to assist them to separate their own feeling from how they see their partner, so they can relate in a more attuned way to each other’s real needs, rather than reacting through the projected lenses.

Counselling Melbourne offers anger management for individuals who want to work through their feelings so they no longer project them, which increases their capacity to deal with emotions and deal with conflict in a healthy way, overcoming destructive relationship patterns in their relationship. At Counselling Service in Melbourne learn take ownership for your feelings and deal with them, rather than blame your partner for your feelings

If you want to defuse anger and blame in your relationship contact us. Sign up on our newsletter for free advice and tips. For more articles, follow us on social media on Facebook and Twitter

All content is copyright Nancy Carbone 2018