How To Solve Communication Problems In Your Relationship

In order to solve communication problems in a relationship it is important to understand the part you play in your relationship and take responsibility for that.

If your relationship has these communication issues its worth solving

• When your partner raises your behavior and you minimise it.

Avoiding the issue, so it never gets resolved, keeps it getting brought up.

•  Ignoring issues until they escalate out of control

If we put up with things and not address it,  then the issues takes over the relationship. If you let others get away with something, they learn to get away with it.

• Expecting others to take responsibly for you and become angry when they don’t.

If you expect others take care of you, support you financially or emotionally, it could cost your  relationship.

• Conflict Avoiders.

Many couples struggle to express themselves because they fear  conflict. Yet they often feel they’ve lost themselves in their marriage, by passively going along with their partner to keep the peace,  by shutting down their own needs or feelings. When couples feel their own needs are not met, they  may  neglect the role they play their marriage.

• Detachment

Sometimes it can feel that everyone else’s needs takes over yours. Detachment occurs when couples feel bored, lonely or empty, as a result of not having  their own needs met or not heard in the relationship.

Failing to express their self and notice what they feel, need or want, means they live a lifeless marriage. So it makes sense that couples disconnect, fall apart or end their relationship, without marriage guidance solutions.  Many attend marriage counselling Melbourne when partners distance from each other, because it feels safer to be themselves outside of the marriage. Many have an affair to  connect, where they feel safer to be themselves. However, turning to others can further push them away from their partner, where they avoid getting close.

Ways to fix problems with communication in your relationship

It is not easy to solve  your own relationship problems. Couples can lose grip of themselves when they are caught in a whirlwind of em0tions.  Most partners remain stuck in their own position and cannot not register how their partner feels. Many couples feel they do not have the communication skills to express themselves assertively, without conflict escalating.

Here are some tips to solve relationship problems:

• Raise issues soon after they occur. It means expressing your thoughts, feelings, needs or concerns. Not letting issues slide where they take over the relationship
• When you bring up issues, find a time to talk, when you’re both available. Do not assume your partner is ready to talk when you are.
• Speak  when you are calm to assist your concerns to get heard.
• Do not leave issues too late or speak in the heat of the moment.
• It’s best if you try to understand your feelings first, so you don’t become reactive or explosive when talking.
• Try not to label or Judge your partner. Focus on the behavior that hurt you, not attack their character or personality.
• State facts or observations not interpret or judge their behavior.
• Use “I” statements, not “you” statements: “. For  example, say “I feel…..”
• When your partner brings up an issue, practice listening, put your feelings or thoughts on hold, to understand them fully. Do not interrupt until you understand them. Show them you understand them before you have your turn
• Its important to validate your partners feelings  when you’ve listened to them. Ask questions to clarify it. Let them know you understand their point of view so  they feel heard and can listen to you.
• Try not to take your partner as personally attacking you, try to listen to the pain or feelings behind their reactions. The angry reaction is usually a defence to protect them from underlying hurt feelings. .
• Do not take over conversations, interrupt, impose your view or offer solutions, unless it is asked of you Just listen and people will find their own answers. If you feel they really need help you could say: ” Can I make a suggestion?”, “Can I offer a thought? , “this is just my thought, not sure what you think”. Otherwise ask them questions.
• We have no right to tell other people how they should live their life, its their choice.  They will learn if they initiate change.
• Do not assume you know what your partner is feeling, ask them.
• Rather then making assumptions about your partners behavior, ask clarifying questions to determine if your thoughts or fears are correct, rather then accuse them of something because you feel a certain way.
• Meet your own needs, not expect others to meet them for you
• Do not expect on others to make you feel good about yourself.

Sometimes couples cannot do these communication strategies on their own, because the issues are too intense for them to handle their own emotions. Counselling in Melbourne  assists distressed couples to become unstuck, to develop more effective ways of communicating.

As a relationship therapist Nancy Carbone has a M Soc Sc (Couns) at Counselling Service Melbourne.  If you want to improve your relationship contact Nancy on the enquiry form or call 0449 861147 for an appointment. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and relationship advice. 

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