Signs You’re A Relationship Saboteur & Ways You Sabotage Love
Relationship Saboteur Tactics That Can Push Love Away
If every relationship ends the same way and causes you to become anxious about being left again, this can be a sign that you’re a relationship saboteur. If you’re struggling to find love or feel loved, and are afraid of rejection, then your fears could be pushing your partner away. So, what are the relationship sabotaging tactics that relationship saboteurs use to destroy love?
If you find yourself a naturally loving person and cannot understand why someone doesn’t love you back, then there may be a reason for this. Or, find out the reason why you feel your partner is distant towards you.
A relationship self-saboteur finds ways that protect themselves from feelings of abandonment or feeling not good enough, in ways that push their partner away.
You can push love away by protecting yourself from feeling rejected. You can sabotage yourself from getting the love you want.
If your a saboteur in relationships, you may identify with some of these behaviours that sabotage relationships.
6 Ways That Subconsciously Sabotage Your relationship:
- Do you find yourself feeling jealous or insecure for no real reason
Maybe deep down insecurities are controlling your relationship, because you do not feel good enough and fear your partner leaving you.
It’s hard to connect with you if you’re anxious about your partner leaving you, fearing that they will find someone better. If you accuse them of not wanting you, you might be driving him/her away. Unknowingly, you may believe you do not deserve to be loved; despite the fact you want so much to be loved.
You can become threatened by another woman or man who you feel will steal your loved one, because somehow you feel not good enough, waiting for them to leave you. So, you sabotage your relationship to prevent them from leaving you.
You can accuse them of cheating or wanting someone else, when there is no real evidence, except your own fears of abandonment driving your thought processes.
- You think your partner is causing your feelings of abandonment, instead of looking within.
If you have a fear of abandonment, you could be sabotaging your relationship and not realise it. Instead, you blame your partner or accuse them of causing you to feel abandoned, when they trigger your feelings deep within yourself.
When these feelings of being not good enough, or feeling abandoned, are outside of your awareness, you think that it is your partner causing you to feel this way.
You end up blaming your partner for how you feel, thinking that they’re abandoning you or rejecting you, by displacing your fears of abandonment onto them. You think they’re the person rejecting you, by reading into things that are not there, to prevent yourself feeling abandoned
- You blame your partner and accuse them of things they haven’t even done, instead of being open and curious.
Your fears of losing your partner drive you into reading into things that do not exist, when you blame them and accuse them of things they haven’t even done. You become paranoid or suspicious that he/she will leave or cheat on you, so you question them or monitor them.
- You find fault in your partner to escape feeling of not being good enough or abandonment.
You can protect yourself from how you feel by finding fault in the other person. Instead of locating these feelings deep within yourself, which stem from repressed childhood abandonment, you end up blaming them for how you feel.
You may attack the character of the person, accuse them of not caring about you, when they forgot to call.
- You make your partner responsible for changing how you feel by changing their behaivour, instead of identifying your triggers
You attempt to change your partner, fix them, get them to be more loving towards you.
You can end up projecting your past wounds onto your partner and want them to pay for the hurt that past caregivers have caused you, even hurting them back. This is an attempt to make them responsible for hurting you and getting them to make up for it, as if they’re responsible for the pain that was done to you.
Putting your unmet needs of love onto your partner is an attempt to get them to make you feel better or feel loved. But, often this is too much for a partner to deal with, and pushes them away from loving you.
You perceive that it is your partner causing you to feel abandoned or unwanted, when they focus on their own lives and don’t focus on you.
If you prevent them from being themselves, they will become pushed away because they can’t be themselves around you or walk on egg shells around your feelings, because they have to cater to your needs to avoid you feeling abandoned. Eventually, they may feel controlled and want out of the relationship.
- You threaten to leave to avoid feeling abandoned.
If you feel abandonment is imminent, you can threaten to leave, as a protest to bid for their attention, as a last attempt to escape feeling abandoned in order to get your partner back.
If the fear of abandonment is so pervasive, you can threaten to leave, before they can leave you. If you leave the relationship, then you don’t have to worry about them leaving you, so you kill the relationship.
Do you identify with these signs of relationship sabotaging behaviours and ways that destroy relationships?
I would like you to ask yourself – Is this fear of abandonment real or imagined? Are you sabotaging love because of your fear of abandonment? Are you looking into things that are not really there and accusing your partner of things they haven’t even done? Or, do you sabotage the relationship using these self saboteur tactics, causing them to leave you, or push them away to the point they cheat on you?
Why would you re-create the same destructive pathway all over again.
The more you externalise your feelings as being caused by someone else, by blaming your partner for how you feel, the more you do not address the feelings deep within yourself. You continue to repeat the pattern of abandonment in relationships.
When the other person feels accused for things or attacked for things they haven’t done, you drive them away. This self-sabotaging tactic will destroy your relationship, even though you think it protects your feelings or protects your relationship. This pattern enacts the original pain and repeats the pattern of feeling abandoned, until you acknowledge the feelings, deal with the pain and become unstuck from these destructive patterns that push love away. Overcome the relationship self-saboteur and transform your relationships.
Nancy Carbone is a relationship therapist who trained in the Treatment of relational trauma from the International Masterson Institute in NY. She overcomes stuck relationship patterns. If you want to break the cycle of sabotaging relationships contact Nancy at Counselling Service Melbourne.Back to Blog Home