Reasons why relationships fall apart
Do you wonder the reasons why relationships fall apart in your life, despite how much effort you put into the relationship? Do you put all your hopes and dreams into a partner to feel good enough? Hoping for a partner to make you feel good enough can push loved ones away. Otherwise, it can cause one to become vulnerable to how others treat them, losing their sense of self in the relationship.
Hoping for a lover to mend your wounds and make you feel healed are the one of reasons why relationships falls apart. Looking for others to make us feel good about ourselves, keeps us feeling bad about ourselves. No one can change how we feel on the inside, if we do not heal our own wounds.
In fact many individuals can be attracted to partners who will make them feel good temporarily, while overlooking the red flags that something is not right in the relationship. Many hold onto a partner in the hope to feel good enough for them, putting all their effort into the relationship and not themselves. Giving up oneself for love can cause relationships to fall apart.
Many are on the search for finding love in the hope to overcome feeling lonely and worthless, from not having ones emotional needs met. Are you searching for the love that you always pined for?
Is your longing to be loved causing you to become a vulnerable target, by drawing in toxic partners in to your life? As empaths many of us give so much to feel loved or wanted. Often, seeking love so that one can feel better, so that they do not feel bad about themselves. Making others responsible for how we feel can lead marriages to breakdown.
Relying on lovers to heal our wounds and feel good enough causes relationships to breakdown
Hoping to get their unmet needs met in love, can prevent them from recognizing signs of narcissistic personality disorder. Turning to abusive partners to feel good about oneself does the opposite. The more one turns to an abusive partner to feel loved, it makes them vulnerable to feeling unloved, not good enough or abused.
When individuals put their trust in others, who mistreat them, it is not loving oneself. When one can learn to feel good about themselves on the inside, they do not turn to others to feel better, because they’ve learned to love who they are as a person. Real love comes from choosing to love oneself first, and finding partners who enhance who we are, not the opposite. We cannot expect our partner to make us feel good about our self, this will cause relationships to end. They are not responsible for how we feel about ourselves, but they can enhance the way we feel about ourselves.
How losing yourself causes relationships to drift apart
Do your relationships drift apart when you lose your self to your relationship? Being so focused on them stops you from focusing on yourself and meeting your own needs, preventing intimacy. When we cannot get in touch with ourselves or our own needs then the self runs on empty, often feeling not happy in the relationship.
In order for true intimacy to develop, one must not seek love in order to feel good about oneself. Instead one can focus on loving oneself rather than feeling loved. Therefore, avoiding feelings of not being good enough shouldn’t be the reason in which you seek love. When we feel good about ourselves we can be more available for our relationships and foster a deeper connection.
Providing couples counselling, real love comes from letting go of the need to feel loved, worthy or wanted by someone. Self love is derived from feeling good about yourself and taking care of yourself. Having self love means you have a strong sense of self, and can choose a healthy partner for you. Real love allows you to have the freedom to set boundaries and limits on how you want to be treated by your partner. Having self acceptance within yourself allows you to go for what you need in a relationship, and not put up with mistreatment because you do not feel good enough.
The only way to repair oneself is to work on rebuilding oneself and healing yourself. Loved ones cannot change how you feel on the inside. The relationship will lead to hurt and heart ache if you make them responsible for how you feel, especially if they are non emphatic.
Providing relationship counselling, I find that many of my clients stay stuck in relationships that drift apart, in the hope of feeling good enough, as a way to fix their wounds. They inevitably end up re-living past wounds rather than actually receiving the love they can get.
Nancy Carbone offers Counselling in Melbourne and provides Couples Therapy. She specializes in relational trauma from the Psychoanalytic International Masterson Institute in New York. You can visit her at http://www.counsellinginperth.com.au/ , http://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/, Facebook and Twitter
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