How To Recognize The Red Flags Signs Of  A Toxic Relationship

How to tell if you’re in a toxic relationship

How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? Are you in a toxic relationship and convinced that the problem is you, by taking on board the negative criticisms of a toxic lover. It can be confusing when you are blamed to be the problem or told you have all the issues. What are the red flag signs of a toxic relationship?

You may be in a toxic relationship and not aware of it. Toxic marriages can be deceptive, on the surface they can look perfect. But, often this is because it is easier to shut off from what is really happening, in order to avoid facing what is really going on.

How to spot the signs you’re in a toxic relationship

1. Is your partner envious or jealous of your success

Do you have a partner who acts polite but underneath they have envy and hate towards you? They may be secretly competitive or comparing themselves to you. Do they feel intense pain when you are successful or happy?

Many who feel unsatisfied with their life will hide how disappointed they feel when others have success or share good news. Toxic partners feel excruciating pain of feeling inadequate and they cover up by smiling, not say anything or comment on something negative to minimise their disappointment, to protect themselves from the painful hit to their self esteem.

They feel failure at other peoples success and it highlights how they’ve not met their own expectations. It seems unfair that others have done better, its a competition or a race to be best.

You cannot rise above them or they will crush you with destructive envy.

2. Do they criticise or devalue you to rise above you

If you’re in a toxic relationship with someone who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder , they can feel pleasure when they put down the success of others, by defeating them or making devaluing comments so they can rise above them.

So, they do not feel deflated or inadequate, they end up criticising others in order to modulate their fragile self esteem. They inflate their grandiosity to convince others of how good they are.

Since they feel superior, they openly disapprove others.

3. Toxic people turn the problem around to by your fault and cover their actions

Toxic people blame others for their mistakes and find ways cover up their actions so they’re never at fault. They will find a way to turn the problem around to be your fault.

They avoid the humiliation of shame induced judgement by distorting the truth and avoid taking responsibility to cover up their mistakes. They do this by finding fault in others, whom they blame for their shortcomings.

They lost their job because their boss was threatened by them,  their ex partner was the crazy one, they cheated because you never gave them sex when they wanted it, you’re told that you should get over issues and not bring them up. It is always the other persons fault and they’re perfect.

4. Toxic people push their view to prove their right, not consider your point of view

You may be falsely convinced that they are always right, but they seek admiration when others need them as the expert for advice. They always know better than anyone else, feeling above others.   When they see others as beneath them, they feel special and it takes away the deflating pain of the empty self.

5. They use you for their own agenda, while discard or bring you down if you expose them

These toxic lovers pretend to be Mr right in order to lure you into a relationship, in order to seek admiring supplies, but will discard you or devalue you, when their needs are not a priority.

They may even spoil your happiness or success, or talk you down. You are simply there to give them something they need, such as approval, money, sex, love, support.

After a date you may not hear from them unless they need something from you. They pretend to be interested in you as long as they’re getting something from you.

Before you enter a relationship you should know the red flags you’re in a toxic relationship.

Sometimes they just want someone to admire them or inflate the ego when it’s deflated. Other times, they stonewall or withdraw to avoid exposure of not being perfect. So, no one discovers who they really are.

They feel good by promoting themselves and focusing on themselves, and acquiring others in order to achieve their aims. 

6. They portoray a false persona to mask who they really are.

The toxic relationship feels empty and vacuous since the toxic person cannot open up about themselves. They pretend things are fine, not revealing any weakness.

In narcissistic fusion, they will tell people what they want to hear, and mimic what they need, so they can obtain their own objectives. The truth will be revealed when they are unable to be emotionally available for the needs of others.

7. They have no empathy or no remorse. 

They have no empathy or remorse for how they treat people, because they feel they have the right to behave in whatever manner meets their own needs, with no regards to others. When others fail to serve their expectations, they justify cheating or having affairs.

They portray themselves to be kind or pretend to have empathy so that people are there to give them what they need.

You are only wanted if you serve a need for them, otherwise your feelings do not matter.

8. The see everyone through their own behaviour

Toxic people project their sense of inadequacies onto others, by finding things wrong with others or finding fault in them to protect against these feelings. They are delusional and see everyone through their own projections, distorting the way they see others and relate to them.

They see others like them, the part they hide. They accuses others of cheating, being useless, being selfish or a fraud. You will be attacked or insulted for things that do not represent you, because that’s how they see you.

If you’re in a toxic relationship you can learn to not take on board the criticisms, but see the person for who they really are.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, you might notice that toxic partner had parents who were envious and criticised or humiliated them, so they hide their real self.

Perhaps your partner had to measure up by doing what ever the parents wanted and being good at it. They felt like a failure if they didn’t meet their expections or needs.

Some were told they could do no wrong and the world re-evolved around their needs.

They will not take ownership and see the part they play in marriage problems. They will feel injured when issues are raised and turn it back on their partner for attacking them or criticising them. So the partner feels beaten down and gives up, feeling wrong.

If you detect you’re in a toxic relationship, you have to be careful taking on board negative feedback, which may not pertain to you. Your self-esteem can be diminished. If  you can separate yourself from the abuser, you can protect yourself from destructive envy or toxic abuse. If you see the person as wounded, you can learn to let go of blame or feeling at fault for things that are not your fault.

If you cannot assertively express yourself or raise issues because you get abused, then perhaps you need to consider why you allow yourself to be in a toxic relationship, and find out how to have self-love within yourself. If you recognize these red flags that are signs for a toxic relationship then perhaps you need to do something about it.

For other information visit Counselling in Melbourne

Protect yourself by detecting the red flags of toxic relationships

Nancy Carbone has a M.Soc Sc ( Couns) and specialized at relationship counselling. If you want to recognize if you’re in a toxic relationship you can visit her at at Counselling Melbourne. or sign up on her newsletter for free advice and tips on relationship matters.