Are you falling in love or caught in a blinding fantasy

Are you falling in love? Like many of us, it can be easy to get caught up in the chemistry and excitement when falling in love. However, have you ever noticed that after the honeymoon phase you wondered what you saw in that person? Is this spark or instant attraction real or based on our own hopes about that person?

Have you wondered why your relationships do not work out? Do you fall heavy in love and then realise that the relationship was not what you thought it was? Did you think you met the love of your life but ended up feeling abused, unloved, unwanted or alone? Sometimes it is easier to shut these feelings out and hold onto the fantasy about that person, staying stuck in relationships.

Falling in loveProviding relationship counselling, I’ve seen how this loving feeling can represent our own hopeful fantasies about that person. I have noticed how this fantasy can distort how we perceive our relationships and cloud our judgements, until we discover that the person is not what we projected them to be.

When individuals project their fantasies, they put all their unmet needs or hopes onto the person, rather than seeing the real person.  Therefore, how does one know if they are really falling in love or caught in an illusion, based on a blinding fantasy that prevents them from seeing the real situation?

Often, we can find it difficult to let go of the hope for our parent to love us, so we displace this desire onto our relationships. Projecting the fantasy allows one to forget about the pain of feeling unloved in the childhood. Providing couples counselling Melbourne, I’ve seen how ones past can distort the way of seeing the partner. Often a person looks to the partner to recapture the loving feeling that they always wanted. Often, looking for them to show the loving attributes that they hoped for.

How do we confuse fantasy with falling in love?

in loveWhen you think you’ve found the perfect soulmate, it is easy to confuse fantasy with falling in love. Have you ever wished that a parent loved you or took care of you? When you’re feeling unloved or unwanted, it is easy to be drawn to a person who pays you attention. When you see a glimpse of what you’re looking for in a person, it is easy to stick to them like a magnet. Therefore, the feeling of falling in love can be a hopeful fantasy based on searching for unmet needs, that gets placed on to the partner.

Have you ever noticed that you search for a father figure in men? Are you attracting women who look after you? Searching for what we hoped for in our childhood, prevents us from growing, by expecting that someone will meet aspects that we need to fulfil in ourselves. The gentleman who is seeking a mother figure to take care of him will not take charge or take responsibility for himself. The woman who wants to be rescued will stay helpless and dependent, unable to take care of oneself. The individual who is desperately seeking love does not know how to love themselves.

falling in loveHaving a fantasy of your partner meeting your unmet needs will sabotage falling in love. At Counselling Service Melbourne. Many become disappointed when the partner does not meet their hopeful fantasy. You cannot fall in love if you’re treating your partner like a mother figure or father figure, expecting them to take care of you. They cannot be responsible for your unmet needs or be responsible for how you feel. In Marriage counselling, couples become stuck by projecting these fantasies and prevent the individual from getting to know the real partner and relate to them.

Real love compared to an illusion

Real love occurs when you see the partner for who they really are and get to know that person, not relate to them for what you want them to be. Real love is when you fall in love with the real person, not the fantasy image of that person.

If you want to want to find real love contact Nancy Carbone who has a MSoc Sc (Couns) at Counselling Service Melbourne. As a  Relationships therapist she can help you master self-love and happiness in relationships. You can sign up on her newsletter for more tips and advice on relationships.

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